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We have titled this marriage seminar, “Becoming One: growing deeper in covenant love.” I hope that title stirs up a question in your mind. “Are we already one, or are we becoming one?”
When does a couple actually become one? Is it with the “I Do” vows? With the honeymoon? On the one-year anniversary? On the 50th anniversary? In heaven? Never?
When talking about our salvation and sanctification, we talk about the “already and not yet.” We are saved, but we are also being saved. We are declared righteous (in Christ), but we are also growing in holiness. Our salvation will be made complete when we meet the Lord face to face.
Does this same idea work regarding marital oneness? Sort of. If we are married, we are in a flawed marriage—hopefully growing, but still flawed. And, we are headed to a perfect marriage in the future—but not with our current spouse. When the perfect marriage comes, we will be the bride, and Jesus, our bridegroom.
Therefore, the statement of our oneness cannot be some future, permanent state of our marriage. It is true now, and yet, we must grow into the reality of who God declares us to be.
In marriage, we must embrace the idea of becoming what we are, of enjoying the good gift of marriage which God has given us, and of using this gift for God’s purposes.
Our intention is to avoid delving into caveats or qualifications in any extensive way during this seminar. We recognize, however, that in this fallen world significant challenges enter into marriages, sometimes even to the point of breaking them.
If it sounds like we’re holding up marriage as a beautiful, lifelong, God-ordained, covenant relationship, you have heard correctly.
To say it another way, we know there are times when we need to “weep with those who weep” in the midst of significant pain and brokenness in their marriages. However, throughout the teachings this morning, we are seeking to grow together and “rejoice with those who rejoice.”
May God give us grace to do both well.
After each session this morning, you’ll have time to discuss and pray with your spouse. We are providing some conversation-starter questions. Feel free to use these as helps, but don’t feel like you need to “get through them” or limit your conversation to these questions.
I’m aware that we may be tempted to jump quickly into the practical applications—“seven essential tips for a satisfying marriage,” etc. However, I want to begin with some theological truths to bring things into focus before we get ahead of ourselves. Marriage is a unique relationship in all of creation, and marriage is a covenant relationship designed by God.
In marriage we are:
I just claimed that marriage is a unique, God-given relationship. What is my basis for claiming this? The first two human beings on earth, both created directly by the hand of God, came together in the first marriage.
Let’s look at this first marriage in Genesis 2.
Genesis 2:21–25 (ESV)
Marriage was not a matter of evolution or some gradual social experiment that led to flourishing cultures. It was given by God from the very beginning. It was not man’s idea. Man did not make it happen (he was asleep). God himself “brought her down the aisle” so-to-speak. He “brought her to the man.”
The bible does not give us a written set of vows that were made between Adam and Eve, or that we are to make when we are married.
What we see here in the text is that we are to “leave” father and mother and “hold fast” or “cleave” to our wife. This results in the two becoming one flesh.
In leaving and holding fast, marriage supersedes every other earthly relationship. It supersedes the parent/child relationship, sibling relationships, king/subject relationships, nation/citizen relationships, and even friendships. It is the beginning of a new family unit.
No other relationship involves the “two becoming one.” We must not conceive of this becoming one only as the sexual union. It is a joining together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We know this because it involved leaving and cleaving—leaving the Father’s household and holding fast to one another (see ESVSB, p 1860).
We are accustomed to speaking of marriage as a covenant, but what do we really mean by that? We can learn much from studying how God carries out his covenant with his people. It is built on promises and carried out by grace.
Tim Keller helps us see how covenant promises change the nature of the relationship.
A “covenant,” … could be said to be a stunning blend of both law and love. It is a relationship much more intimate and loving than a mere legal contract could create, yet one more enduring and binding than personal affection alone could make. It is a bond of love made more intimate and solid because it is legal. It is the very opposite of a consumer-vendor relationship, in which the connection is maintained only if it serves both parties’ self-interest. A covenant, by contrast, is the solemn, permanent, whole self giving of two parties to each other.
- Timothy Keller, Preaching: Communicating Faith in an Age of Skepticism (New York: Viking, 2015), 104.
It’s more than legal. It’s more than personal.
I hope you find the Genesis account both beautiful and profound. Consider God’s role in bringing the woman to the man.
As significant as the covenant vows are in the marriage, there is something deeper taking place.
Turn to Matthew 19. Here, the Pharisees come up to Jesus to test his views on divorce. We’re not going to parse out his entire answer, but there is something profound for us to see.
Jesus quoted from Genesis 2 in his answer to the Pharisees. Let’s see what he said about it.
Matthew 19:4–6 (ESV) — He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Did you see it?
Genesis 2:24 (and Matt 19:5) speak of becoming one flesh in the future tense (i.e. “shall become one flesh). But Jesus tells us definitively that “they are no longer two, but one flesh.” This is not an aspirational statement. It is a statement of what is.
Finally, notice how the two become one. Yes, covenantal vows are involved (i.e. leaving and cleaving), and coming together are involved (i.e. naked and not ashamed). But, the definitive joining of two into one is an act of God himself (“God has joined together”).
Feel the significance of that. Let it sink in. We have no problem imagining that it was God who brought Adam and Eve together. After all, that was before the Fall. God himself created both of them directly.
But, do we have the same faith to say that God has made us one with our spouse? This is mysterious. It is not dependent on how sanctified we are. Let this truth rekindle your enjoyment of and delight in your spouse.
There is a glory and beauty in this truth that is foundational for us growing in our covenant love.
Not only are we united by covenant and united by God himself, we are also united for God’s purposes. This is answering the why of marriage.
Genesis 2:18 (ESV) — Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
What was not good about it? For many years, I read this to mean that Adam was lonely. However, lonely and alone are not the same thing. Adam had perfect, unhindered fellowship with the Trinitarian God in the Garden. His need was not one of loneliness.
Adam needed help! For what? Help to do what God had commanded him to do. We could look back to vs. 15.
Genesis 2:15 (ESV) — The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.
To get a fuller sense of what God was calling them to do, we could go back to the dominion mandate in Genesis 1.
Genesis 1:28 (ESV) — And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
The point that I’m driving at is that your marriage was not given to you primarily for your sexual pleasure or personal emotional needs.
Christopher Ash helped me see this in his book, Married for God.
Adam’s cry of delight in Genesis 2:23 has been echoed by bridegrooms down the ages. There is here … a natural “Yes!” to sexual desire and delight untouched by shame. But even here the context makes us remember that the final goal is not the delight of sexual intimacy. For this is delight with a shared purpose, intimacy with a common goal, and companionship in a task that stretches beyond the boundaries of the couple themselves. As we rejoice with the lovers in the garden, we must not forget that there is work to be done. The garden needs gardening. God’s world needs watchful care and careful work.
- Christopher Ash, Married for God, p. 37.
If we approach marriage simply as a path to our own emotional, relational, or sexual fulfillment, we will miss the greater purposes to which God is calling us.
It is amazing to me that God can and does use all kinds of relationships (parent/child, friendship, partnerships) in his kingdom plans, yet he places a special emphasis on the importance of the marriage relationship in the carrying out of his plans. This unique, covenantal, intimate, sexual relationship is designed by God to further God’s purposes on earth. Our marriages are to be in the service of God.
With this as our foundation, now let’s turn to the Work of Growing in Covenant love.
There are many ways to explore covenant love in the Bible. We can learn from examples.
In each of these cases there is a delight in the mysterious gift of God. This is an important starting point to the “work” of love in marriage.
We’ve already seen how Adam responded to the gift of Eve (i.e. “Wow!”). It’s helpful for us to remember to look back in wonder at God bringing our own spouse to us. This was not merely chance or our own doing.
Proverbs 18:22 (ESV) — He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.
What does he mean by “finds a good thing?” It’s not merely the idea of marriage, but this particular person, given as a gift by God to you.
Psalm 145:5 (ESV) — On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
Do you consider your spouse as one of the wondrous works of God on which you should meditate?
Have you ever taken Psalm 139 and applied it to your spouse?
Psalm 139:13–16 (ESV) — For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Marital love delights in the other as a creation and gift of God to you.
Growing in our covenant love also requires work. I’d like us to think about love under two categories.
Looking at what love IS can help us distinguish between the world’s idea of love and God’s. Seeing what love IS can also help us diagnose what’s going on in our heart in a particular situation. If what’s going on in my heart doesn’t line up with what the Bible says love is, then I need to change.
By considering what love DOES, we are confessing that love is not merely a feeling, emotion, or motive. Love must be expressed or lived out in our words and deeds. This is helpful. We can do loving things even if we don’t feel certain emotions. This is a critical truth for growing in covenant love with our spouse.
As we look at various passages about what love is and what love does, you’ll notice that we’re appealing to many scriptural contexts that are not primarily about marriage.
Daniel will be talking in our next session specifically about romantic love, which IS unique to marriage.
For now, we’ll be looking at principles of Christian love that in many ways should be expressed beyond our marital relationships. However, it’s helpful to remember that this love is very connected to the love which we should express to our spouse.
How many of you have 1 Corinthians 13 read at your wedding?
Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 13 to see directly some truths about what love is and does.
1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (ESV)
Consider how your marriage might grow if you and your spouse grew in these basic areas of love. Most of these are not rocket-science. But that does not mean they are easy.
Much of the real WORK in growing in covenant love is applying what love is and what love does in the mundane, daily life of marriage.
Notice how few of these are directly tied to an emotion. Perhaps we’d put irritable or resentful in that category—perhaps. There certainly are heart attitudes in play (pride, humility, envy).
Did you notice what’s missing here in 1 Cor 13? Love feels… or Love demands… or love wants… or love “languages.” Notice how many of these characteristics of love come into play when something wrong is done to you. Patient, irritable, resentful, bearing all things — all of these would indicate some idea of suffering wrong done to you.
In other words, the test of love often involves being sinned against. This is certainly true when we consider the Lord’s love for us. “While we were still sinners Christ died for us…”
When Stacey and I do pre-marital counseling, one of the things we talk about is that when you marry someone, you should consider that you will likely sin against this person more than anyone else in your life, and vice versa. Marriage is two very flawed persons joining together for life. You will need the grace of God in your life and the Gospel at work in your lives.
We can’t simply categorize love as though it is only responding, though.
Love is part of the Fruit of the Spirit
Galatians 5:22–23 (ESV) — But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Our love is a response to us receiving the love of God
1 John 4:19 (ESV) — We love because he first loved us.
Love is commanded
Ephesians 5:1–2 (ESV) — Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 5:25 (ESV) — Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Love covers a multitude of sins
1 Peter 4:8 (ESV) — Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
Love does no wrong to a neighbor
Romans 13:10 (ESV) — Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
Colossians 3:12–14 (ESV) — Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
(Thoughts from a family discipleship podcast)
Stacey recently told me about a podcast episode which really helped her with a particular aspect of loving me.
The basic gist was that when your spouse does something that irritates you, you have a choice. You can choose to respond with contempt or compassion, especially with regard to one another’s weaknesses
You know your spouse’s weaknesses and limitations, probably better than any other person on the planet. In the daily grind of life you have a choice to treat them with contempt or compassion. Love chooses compassion.
In marriage, we generally choose to love one another as long as we are meeting each other’s needs. Covenant love flips this on its head. We meet each other’s needs because we have chosen to love. A covenant is a different kind of love because it is based on a promise. God loves with covenant love. He is the Father who gives good gifts to his children. He is the parent who loves enough to discipline His sons and daughters. But He is also the husband who pursues His bride, sacrificed His life for her, and loves her with an eternal, faithful, and unfailing love.
- Juli Slattery, God, Sex, and Your Marriage, p. 39.
The emphasis on covenantal love is a good reminder that the marriage relationship is central, not incidental.
Finally, in a rapid-fire kind of way, I’d like us to consider some of the hindrances to growing in covenant love.
Your marriage will be hindered if you view your spouse as a primary means by which your needs are met. Your spouse cannot carry the weight of meeting all of your relational or practical needs.
Ask yourselves: “How am I doing at stewarding our marriage to give joy, meaning, and delight to my spouse?”
We can easily make an idol out of marriage. I’m not saying that we should not care deeply about having a good marriage. For that we should strive and labor.
I mean that we must not obsess over looking like we have a great marriage.
But, even seeking to have a great marriage is not an end in itself. It is one of the gifts of God to help us accomplish God’s purposes in the world—together.
Ask yourselves: “How does God want to use our marriage and family for his kingdom purposes?”
Social media has made it incredibly tempting for couples to compare their marriages to others anywhere in the entire world. Instead of learning from flesh and blood couples in our local church, we are learning from the online life of couples we don’t know.
Ask yourselves: “How are we doing learning from other flesh-and-blood couples whom God has put in our orbit? Are we passing what we’ve learned to younger couples in our community?”
Speaking of our phones and media, the ways in which our current media-centric age affect our marriages are plentiful.
Ask yourselves: “What is ONE thing we could change about our phone/device/media use that would demonstrate intentional investment and delight in one another?”
Here are some other recent messages.
We are a church built on the Bible, guided and empowered by the Spirit, striving to make disciples, and pursuing holiness in the context of robust biblical relationships.
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