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“If you’re able, please stand.” Reading Matt. 5:1–6, 31–32. “Thanks be to God.”
In Homer’s famous epic The Odyssey, Odysseus has a whole series of adventures. He’s trying to get home after the Trojan War. Along the way his ship has to pass through a treacherous passage.
It’s the famous Scylla (silla) and Charybdis (karibdus). On one side is Charybdis, a threatening whirlpool that might swallow his entire ship and drown his whole crew. On the other side is Scylla, a terrible six-headed monster that could easily eat many of his men. Ultimately he stays clear of Charybdis and Scylla eats six of his crew. But the rest survive.
Talking about divorce, we face something similar. On one side is “easy divorcism.” A view that allows divorce for about anything that somehow makes you uncomfortable or mad or disappointed. It is easy to find a sympathetic counselor who will recommend divorce to you after they’ve heard your story. After hearing your side of things, the counselor will say, “It sounds like it’s not healthy for you to stay in the marriage.” That’s our Charybdis on one side.
But then on the other side is the over-reaction. The desire to hold the line and not bow to the culture. Sometimes on this side, adultery isn’t even a grounds for divorce. Sometimes this side you encounter the view that you’re always married to your first spouse. This side might have good intentions—to defend what they believe to be the Bible’s teaching or defend the institution of marriage. But this side of things can turn some marriages into a prison where everyone has a life sentence and escape is impossible. That’s our Scylla on the other side.
Our task is to chart a course between these two, because that’s what Jesus and Paul do. Marriage for Jesus and Paul is a sacred covenant severed for only the most narrow of reasons. But it’s not a prison where there is no escape if the marriage has unfaithfulness and horrible mistreatment.
We’re dealing with Jesus’s words in Matt. 5:31-32, the Sermon on the Mount. Once again we encounter that pattern where Jesus points to what others say and then he says, “But I say...”
Jesus here is giving us the right interpretation of God’s Old Testament Law and the right interpretation on this topic of marriage and divorce.
We find Jesus’s words in the Sermon on the Mount, his sermon at the start of Matthew’s gospel that describes for us Living in the Kingdom. “The Kingdom” means “the kingdom of God,” and you can define God’s kingdom as “God’s rule.” Those “in the kigndom” are those “under God’s rule.” Those outside the kingdom are those not under his rule.
The Sermon on the Mount is addressed to us who have bowed to his rule. Jesus is teaching us how we are to live as subjects of the King of kings.
In this case, we are being taught about marriage and divorce for God’s people. We’ll encounter (1) a wrong view of divorce (5:31) and (2) a right view of marriage. But to see divorce rightly, we also need to see (3) a right view of marriage.
Prayer – for troubled marriages
“It was also said....But I say...” – This is not Jesus contradicting Moses. This is Jesus rightly interpreting Moses.
The way the statement is framed, it seems to be making a procedural point. You can get a divorce, but just make sure when you do, that you give your wife “a certificate of divorce” (Matt 5:31).
The way it’s framed it also seems to be assuming you can get a divorce for any reason whatsoever—just make sure that you don’t leave your spouse without that “certificate of divorce.”
First-century divorce certificates were written documents that were often fairly simple and straight-forward. They would basically say, “You are free to marry another.” Sometimes for Jews they would say, “You are free on your part to go and become the wife of any Jewish man that you wish.”[1]
But the use of a divorce certificate didn’t start in the first century. It goes back to Moses in Deuteronomy 24.
This passage is important and provides background for the words Jesus is quoting.
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, 2 and if she goes and becomes another man’s wife, 3 and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, 4 then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.” (Deut 24:1–4)
Notice that in this concession, Moses says that if a man finds in his wife “some indecency” (v. 1), he can divorce her. But he must “write her a certificate of divorce” (v. 1).
In this scenario, she goes off and marries another. He also sends her away. The command is that she can’t go back to her first husband.
It’s a very specific situation. You cannot go back to a previous husband after you’ve married someone else.
The condition for the divorce is that the husband finds “some indecency in her.” Two schools of interpretation developed among the rabbis. One school followed Rabbi Hillel. A second followed Rabbi Shammai.
These two men were significant Jewish teachers during the reign of Herod the Great (37–4 BC) and so their influence was great during Jesus’s ministry. The Sermon on the Mount was likely preached around AD 30.[2]
Between these two rabbis, Rabbi Hillel took a more liberal approach. He felt the accent was on “any”: “If there is “any indecency” in her, you can divorce her.” If she burns your dinner, that qualifies. That’s actually one of the reasons he gave for a divorce. It was a very loose interpretation of Moses.
Rabbi Shammi took a slightly more stringent approach. He felt the accent was on “indecency”: “If there is “any indecency” in her, you can divorce her.” Adultery qualified for such an “indecency.” But so did other serious offenses—offenses like “going outside with hair unfastened, spinning cloth in the street with armpits uncovered, and bathing in the same place as men” (R.T. France, NICNT, fn 107, p 209).
Jesus is speaking into this debate: Will he side with Hillel or Shammai? Will he take a hard line on marriage and say only significant “indecencies” qualify as grounds for divorce? Or will he take a softer stand and say just about anything qualifies for grounds for divorce—some vague sense of “irreconcilable differences”?
Jesus doesn’t spend much time on this issue. He gets right to the point. He shows that Rabbi Hillel is clearly wrong, and so are his followers.
Read Matt. 5:31–32.
But he also shows that Rabbi Shammai isn’t nearly strict enough. There is an “indecency” that can justify a divorce. But it’s a much shorter list than Rabbi Shammai’s. It’s not “going out with hair unfastened.” Instead, divorce with the right to remarry can be granted for “sexual immorality.”
“Sexual immorality” here is porneias, part of a set of words that start with that syllable “porn-” and relate to various kinds of sexual immorality.[3] For good reason our word “pornography” comes from this word.
But here it means “unlawful sexual intercourse”—having sex with someone other than your spouse.
If that happens, the innocent spouse has grounds for divorce and remarriage.
Jesus has massively reduced the number of reasons a person can lawfully divorce from their spouse. He has totally thrown out the Hillel mindset of what we might call “no fault divorce” where I can divorce for anything displeasing to me. But he has also thrown out the Shammai mindset that creates its own list of things that are “indecent.”
Remember Matt. 5:20,
For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Matt 5:20)
If you divorce without grounds for divorce, Jesus says in several different ways that you commit adultery and you cause your wife to commit adultery—“makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matt 5:32).
And again in Matt. 19:9:
“And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” (Matt 19:9)
The adultery occurs because it was assumed at the time that after your divorce you would “marry another” (Matt 19:9). The adultery would occur with that next marriage.
In this case, a divorce has occurred but because there wasn’t grounds for divorce, Jesus says the two spouses are still obligated to each other. They aren’t married, but they are obligated to each other.
And so, if they “marry another” (Matt 19:9) they are committing adultery.
This is the background behind Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7[4]:
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. (1 Cor 7:10–11)
“Separate” here means to “divorce by leaving the marriage.” You can tell because Paul says that the woman who separates must “remain unmarried.” The result of the separation is that the couple is now “unmarried.”
That’s confusing, because in our day separation and divorce are very different things. Especially in North Carolina, where you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce someone.
God’s command in 1 Corinthians 7:10–11 is that when two Christians divorce and there aren’t grounds for divorce they have two choices, they can “remain unmarried” or they can be “reconciled” to each other, which means remarry each other.
Why is that? Because in the words of Jesus, if they “marry another,” they are breaking the 7th commandment. They are committing adultery.
Does this mean adultery is the absolute ONLY ground for divorce? Not exactly.
Paul speaks to another scenario in 1 Corinthians 7 that gives grounds for divorce:
But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. (1 Cor 7:15)
When two Christians are married and there is no adultery, there isn’t grounds for divorce (1 Cor 7:10–11). But Paul says in 1 Cor. 7:15 that when a Christian and a non-Christian are married, things change.
In this case (“in such cases”), if “the unbelieving partner separates” (divorces), the believer “is not enslaved.” The believer is no longer bound to the spouse. He or she can marry another.
But there are times when a believer can act in such a sinful and damaging way, they are really acting like an “unbeliever.”
But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. (1 Cor 5:11)
Do you see, the person “bears the name of brother,” but they are guilty of these types of sins. In this, we are “not to associate” with them, “not even to eat with such a one.” A person like this will be the subject of church discipline. These sins are uniquely wicked but also damaging to people. The person is sinning in these ways and unrepentant. Because of that these sins go beyond behavior that we expect from a Christian.
If a spouse is this kind of a person, they are effectively an “unbeliever.” And because of their damaging behavior, a spouse may have grounds for divorce in this case.
Church discipline is involved in making this determination, so a spouse by herself or himself can’t simply declare that their spouse is “an unbeliever.” The church will be involved.
Clearly, we’re talking about very serious sins.
That gives us two grounds for divorce: (1) adultery and (2) unrepentant sins that result in excommunication from a church.[5]
Even with 1 Corinthians 7 brought into the picture, the standards of rabbi Hillel and rabbi Shammai are still far looser and far closer to the “easy-divorcism” of our day.
But we haven’t really seen Jesus’s attitude toward divorce until we’ve seen God’s attitude toward marriage.
It’s like sickness. You don’t really understand sickness completely unless you understand what healthy is. Sickness isn’t measured by sickness. It’s measured by health.
Later in Matthew 19 is a longer discussion about marriage and divorce. Wrestling with the same issues, how to intepret Moses in Deuteronomy 24. Jesus gives a longer answer.
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matt 19:3–6)
The attitude of the Pharisees here is a mirror image to the “it was also said” in Matt. 5:31. They are wanting to know if Jesus is a follower of rabbi Hillel or rabbi Shammai.
Jesus will speak into that issue. But first he goes to God’s vision for marriage. And to see that you need to go back to “the beginning,” all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
He’s going to quote Genesis 2:24. But notice how he sets up that verse. He doesn’t say “Moses said” or “Moses wrote it.” At a human level, he did. But he refers to Genesis 2:24 as what God the Creator said. “He who created them male and female said” it.
And it’s good not to miss the binary nature of humanity. We are each either a “male” or a “female.” Men are male in body and soul. Women are female in body and soul. It’s how God “made” us.
It’s Genesis 2:24 where you get God’s original vision of marriage. That’s the verse Jesus quotes and then explains.
Look at Matt. 19:5–6:
“‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matt 19:5–6)
In the Genesis quotation, the couple does three things. They LEAVE the household of their parents and form their own household. They form their own family, their own household. They’ll still honor their parents, but they are separate from their parents.
Second, they CLEAVE to each other. “Hold fast” to each other. At times the word means “stick to” like when Eleazar, David’s mighty man, fought so long with his sword that his hand “stuck to” his sword (2 Sam 23:9–10).
That’s what a husband and wife are to do, cling to, stick to each other. As the forces of the world and the challenges of life tempt them to pull apart, they are to stick together.
Third, they WEAVE themselves to one another as “the two become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh.” This speaks to the sexual union in marriage that makes a couple “one flesh” physically.
But it’s bigger than that. It’s a union of body and soul, emotions and activities, checking accounts and schedules. It’s a union of goals and hobbies and meals and friendship. It’s a union of spiritual lives and prayer. It’s a union of mutual care. It’s a union of devotion and affection and conversation. It’s a union of encouragement and affirmation.
It's a union so comprehensive you could never drift into it or stumble into it. You have to work at it. Even the sexual union, the physical one flesh, takes work in a marriage.
And as weeks and months and years and decades pass, the union grows stronger but it always requires work.
But then Jesus reminds us who brought these two together: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt 19:6). This is true for any couple: “God has joined them together.”
Even if they weren’t Christians when they married. Even if it was an unplanned pregnancy that brought them together as a couple. Even if in some ways it was an unwise match. Once they got married, they can know “God has joined” them, so “let not man separate” them.
Just like in 1 Corinthians 7, “separate” here means “divorce,” not just a temporary “separation” that may or may not lead to divorce.
Jesus says, “let no man separate” two spouses “God has joined” and who have no grounds for divorce.
John Murray sums up well the teaching of Jesus here:
Divorce is contrary to the divine institution, contrary to the nature of marriage, and contrary to the divine action by which the union is effected….Divorce is the breaking of a seal which has been engraven by the hand of God.
John Murray, Divorce[6]
Murray is right. And if we paraphrase his words we also see what marriage is:
Marriage is a divine institution. It is a divine action by which a union is effected. It is the making of a seal which has been engraven by the hand of God.
For most couples, in this epic of marriage we’re living, the goal is to stay as far away from Scylla and Charybdis as possible. Don’t go that way! Find a different pathway. Stay as far away from divorce as absolutely possible.
How?
Energetically do the things that BUILD UP your marriage and stop doing the things that TEAR DOWN your marriage.
This week I came across a list of things that should raise your alarm bells. Are there patterns in your marriage where you should really take note before it’s too late?
Ellie Lilitsa uses the metaphor of “the four horsemen of the Apocalypse” to describe marriage troubles.[7] She writes that just as “the four horsemen” predict the end of the world in the New Testament, so do these four communication styles predict the end of a marriage.
The four horsemen of marriage troubles: (1) criticism; (2) contempt; (3) defensiveness and blameshifting; and (4) stonewalling.
If those dynamics are part of your marriage in a serious and long-term way, get help. We don’t want to say they are determinative, as if divorce is a guarantee. But they are alarm bells that you need to take action. Your marriage needs help.
We could put others on our list.
Once again,
Energetically do the things that BUILD UP your marriage and stop doing the things that TEAR DOWN your marriage.
The hope for our marriage isn’t in me or my wife. The hope for our marriage is Jesus Christ.
I need the forgiveness that Jesus gives. I need the power to obey that Jesus gives.
Jesus forgiving me is what enables me to forgive others. Jesus giving me power to obey is what gives me the grace to do the things that BUILD up my marriage and the grace to stop doing the things that TEAR DOWN my marriage.
The Bible speaks of Jesus as the Bridegroom and the church as his Bride. It is Jesus the PERFECT SPOUSE (Eph 5:25–27) who is my hope to be a husband and Anne’s hope to be a wife.
Let’s pray.
[1] David Instone-Brewer, “1 Corinthians 7 in the Light of the Jewish Greek and Aramaic Marriage and Divorce Papyri,” TynBul 52 No 2 (2001), 237.
[2] For the history of these two rabbis, see https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/hillel-and-shammai.
[3]Porneia, porneuō, pornē, pornos.
[4] For a much longer treatment of 1 Corinthians 7:10–16, see my article in Southeastern Theological Review 15 No 2 (2024) available at https://cornerstoneapex.org/storage/documents/DJBaker-Grounds-for-Divorce-Southeastern-Theological-Review-Vol15-No2-2024.pdf.
[5] Some people don’t see these as two grounds. The reason is that the second one here they see as not really a “ground for divorce” but “evidence that they have already left the marriage.” They have already abandoned the marriage. The divorce in that case is just formalizing what has already happened. John Frame argues in this way in The Doctrine of the Christian Life. I take his point, but I think for clarity’s sake, it’s simpler to speak in terms of two grounds for divorce, especially given the way the events typically unfold.
[6] Murray, Divorce (P&R), 33.
[7]https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
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