Introduction

My journey as a dad:

• My family
• Discovering babies
• “The meltdown”
• Seeking God Daily

Every parent is a unique blend of strengths and weaknesses, failures and triumphs.

But let’s start here with a basic idea to grasp: You are the parent your child needs, and you need to be the parent your child needs.

God has set YOU apart from all other men and women to be your child’s parent—and he’s set these particular children aside for you to parent. It’s no accident!

But, God is calling YOU to a task that requires your effort, your growth, and your perseverance. Part of the vocation to parent children is to be committed to GROW as a parent. That’s what this teaching is for.

I. Principles to Remember

Take Good Care of Your Marriage.

A strong marriage is one of your greatest assets as parents. If your children see that you love God, each other, and them, that will be a powerful parental tool in your toolbelt.

Parenting does bring unique challenges to your marriage. Children are always among the top sources of conflict for couples.

It’s really hard to overcome a bad marriage when you’re parenting.

Do the work required to build a strong marriage. There is grace for all situations, but there are also real consequences when you aren’t diligent in your marriage.

Spend the money you need to so you can go on dates. Do the work you need to so you can have regular conversations together.

Though you can go too far with this idea, it’s nonetheless true that you’re a spouse first and a parent second.

Husbands: Love, cherish, nourish, understand, honor, romance, and spend time with your wifes (Eph 5:25–33; 1 Peter 3:7; Song of Solomon).

Wives: Respect, obey, love, enjoy, respond to your husbands (Eph 5:21–24; 1 Peter 3:1–6; Song of Solomon).

Parent by Faith

1. Remember, though we’re saved by faith and not works, the faith that saves is a faith that works (i.e., does good works).

There is no true faith that doesn’t result in good works. There are no good works if there is no faith. The two are inseparable.

That means, to parent by faith is to parent by doing works for your children as the overflow of a true faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

The power of that faith is having access to the very power of God through the Spirit of God. Without faith you are NOT ABLE to do what you’re called to do as a parent. Some things, yes, with God’s common grace, but not all that Christian parenting requires. But with faith you are ABLE to do the work you’re called to do.

2. Biblical Faith Includes Active Dependence and Hard Work

We parent our children by faith and not by works. But faith acknowledges that we have to work hard, but that God must show up with all of his grace and power. Faith knows that God must do it, but I must also be obedient.

1. C. Ryle captures this well in The Duties of Parents

Beware of that miserable delusion into which some have fallen,—that parents can do nothing for their children, that you must leave them alone, wait for grace, and sit still. These persons have wishes for their children in Balaam's fashion,—they would like them to die the death of the righteous man, but they do nothing to make them live his life. They desire much, and have nothing. And the devil rejoices to see such reasoning, just as he always does over anything which seems to excuse indolence, or to encourage neglect of means.

I know that you cannot convert your child. I know well that they who are born again are born, not of the will of man, but of God. But I know also that God says expressly, “Train up a child in the way he should go,” and that He never laid a command on man which He would not give man grace to perform. And I know, too, that our duty is not to stand still and dispute, but to go forward and obey. It is just in the going forward that God will meet us. The path of obedience is the way in which He gives the blessing. We have only to do as the servants were commanded at the marriage feast in Cana, to fill the water-pots with water, and we may safely leave it to the Lord to turn that water into wine.
J. C. Ryle, The Duties of Parents

Parenting is a Responsibility, not a Personality Type or Spiritual Gifting. But your personality and gifting play a role.

It’s your “responsibility,” which, as the word implies, means you are “able” to “respond” to the task. God gives you that ability. Without Christ, you can’t!

But—your gifting and personality will impact HOW you go about accomplishing this. Just as your children are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:14) and knitted together in their mother’s womb (v. 13), so are you. You will be a unique mom and a unique dad to your children. There are no clones.

The job is so enormous and so complex, aspects of it will be harder or easier for us. We’ll find ourselves more or less gifted for specific parts of it.

Early in my parenting I had a set of influences from our family of churches at the time. Lots of the things these dads did were helpful and inspiring. But some of these dads were so different from me in personality and gifting, I found over the years I had to really adjust what I did to suit me and my wife and my children. The principles held true, but I needed to adapt the practices.

It’s good to keep going back to the Bible and remind ourselves what God says my responsibility is.

Parenting and the Gospel

The gospel connects with our parenting at many levels:

1. Parents and children are also individuals accountable to a holy God. They must each be reconciled to God through Jesus Christ.
2. Christian parents are sinners slowly being sanctified (transformed into the likeness of Christ). Slowly sanctified. Therefore, we need to remember this same sanctifying work in our children will be slow, gradual. Sanctification is not a light switch.
3. The gospel helps us approach our children as equals, sinners in need of grace. Self-righteousness has no place in parenting.
4. And yet, the forgiveness and redemption we have in Christ gives us confidence to faithfully parent our children. We don’t cower in fear because of our sins, but we move forward with a humility that also gives us confidence. If we can boldly approach the throne of grace (Heb 4:16; 10:19) then we can confidently parent our children even if we have a checkered past.
5. You aren’t helping your child if your shame about your past prevents you from being faithful in the present. That only hurts them and hinders their spiritual growth. The gospel removes the shame that hinders our faithfulness. Be humble and honest about who you are, but then move forward in grace.

Wisdom

One of the key aspects of wisdom necessary for parenting is seeing down the road. As a parent you’ll do a lot of looking years down the road and then working backwards. A kind of reverse engineering.

My #1 prayer as a parent for the last 25 years has been, “Lord, give me wisdom.”

God’s promise: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).

This idea of looking down the road is really important for a parent. Our parenting decisions today have real consequences down the road. Our decision to spank today (or not spank today) has consequences. Our decision to give our children iPads today will have consequences down the road.

And just know, with cruise ships and parenting, sudden turns are hard.

If there’s no pattern of Bible time now, it’ll be a hard sell in a couple years when you want it to be there.

II. The Basic Parenting Responsibility: Ephesians 6:4

Keeping it simple: Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

“Fathers...” (and mothers!)

“Fathers” (pateres) in Eph 6:4 can be “parents” but more likely “fathers.”

But if you’re a single-parent home with only a mother, it’s no stretch at all to read this as, “Mothers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4).

• Just like a child is to “honor your father and your mother” (Exod 20:12).
• Just like a “son” is told, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching” (Prov 1:8).

Paul radically redefined the the common view of fatherhood in his day.

Parenting Starts with the...Parents

It’s fitting that the first word in this verse on parenting is “Fathers”/“parents,” since parenting starts with the parents.

Parenting, properly conceived (pun intended), starts with the parents....One important reason for this is the foundational principle in reproduction, which is this: We tend to reproduce after our own kind. Like it or not, our children often do as we do, not as we say. The best way to come close to nurturing the kinds of children we want, therefore, is being those kinds of people ourselves. Let’s not make this too complicated.
Andreas and Marny Köstenberger, Equipping for Life [1]

Who you are is a big deal in your parenting. Things like:

• What you believe—really, really, really believe about God, his forgiveness, his promises, the Bible.
• How you live—really When no one is watching. When no manager is evaluating your performance (at home).
• Your faith and spiritual maturity
• What kind of past you’ve had—and just as important, how you’re processing that past in light of the grace in the gospel.
• How you’re doing with besetting sins
• Your genetics (or if your children are adopted, the genetics of their biological parents): There’s a reason why the question still gets asked, “Is it nature or nurture?” Clearly it’s both.

“...do not provoke your children...”

• “Provoke” means “provoke to anger” (parorgizete).
• It’s a present active imperative: “Do not continually provoke your children to anger!” Your children will not always appreciate your wisdom or decisions. They will occasionally get mad. This is about you unnecessarily and carelessly making them angry.
• Related idea in Col 3:21
• Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Col 3:21)
• “Provoke” is a different word but getting at the same idea as Eph 6:4.
• The result of provoking is “they become discouraged.” “Discouraged” (athumōsin) used only here in the NT. BDAG, “to become disheartened to the extent of losing motivation, be discouraged, lose heart, become dispirited.”
• Douglas Moo on this:
• Paul does not want to see the children of Christian families disciplined to such an extent that they ‘lose heart’ (NASB; NJB; NRSV) and simply give up trying to please their parents.
• Douglas Moo, Colossians^[2]
• God has hard-wired children to be profoundly affected by their parents. A parent has a unique ability to discourage a child. Just as they have a unique ability to influence them for good, so a parent can discourage a child as powerfully.
• This idea of provoking your children to anger and discouragement is also a word about parents knowing your children. You provoke to anger and discouragement when you discipline and instruct in ways not helpful to them or the situation. Maybe you’re asking too much of them or unclear or inconsistent with your directives.

“...but bring them up...”

1. We are to “bring them up/nourish” (ektrephete) also a present active imperative. “Continually bring them up/nourish them!”
2. Speaks to a process, not something you do once. Not something you do in a “moment.” Used of “bringing up” a young goat (2 Sam 12:3), children (Job 31:18), and plants (Jonah 4:10).
3. The idea echoes Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov 22:6)

4. Reminder that parenting means raising future adults, not just raising children.

Don’t forget the goal: godly adulthood. The goal is for all these days and years to set up our children well to live godly adult lives. Clean rooms and tight schedules are fine, but don’t miss what the real goal is. What will set up your child well to become a godly adult? That’s a consuming question for a parent.

5. But what are you bringing them up to be? Really helpful for you and your spouse to have a good amount of conversation to work through what your goals are as parents. These are big picture ideas you’ll adjust along the way.

• a) Educational goals?
• b) Athletic goals?
• c) Musical goals?
• d) Economic goals?
• e) Spiritual goals?

“...in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

• Then we get the basic vision: “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”:
• The two nouns closely related and meant to be practiced together.
• Both are modified by “of the Lord.” It’s “the discipline...of the Lord,” and “instruction of the Lord.” We will be ones who do the discipline and teach the instruction, but the methods, content, and goals are from “the Lord.”
• “Discipline” (paideia): BDAG: “Formational instruction attained by discipline, correction.”
• “Instruction” (vouthesia):
• The second word (nouthesia), whether translated ‘instruction’ or ‘warning’, seems to refer primarily to verbal education, while the first word (paideia) means training by discipline, even by punishment.
• John Stott, The Message of Ephesians, 248
• Remember, “instruction” is not just for fathers. It’s also a mother’s responsibility:

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, 9 for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. (Prov 1:8–9)

III. Key Emphases for Ages 6 to 12

Remember with the different stages of parenting: They’re all good!

Each phase of a child’s life has joys and challenges. Avoid thinking of any phase as “that dreaded phase,” whether it’s the baby years or “Terrible 2s” or “the teen years when they all become prodigals,” etc.

You’ll probably find that certain ages are actually easier or harder than others, but try not to prognosticate doom unnecessarily. There’s grace for it all.

But this stage, the 6 to 12 year stage? Tempting to think of it as “The Hallelujah Phase”—No diapers and no teenagers! Only kidding. They’re all good.

The Changes in these years

1. The changes in these years are massive. At the start some are barely reading, some you’ll still be spanking. At the end of these years, your daughter might be at a middle school picnic wondering if that boy likes her. More likely she’ll be worried about her friend group of girls.

2. In some ways, in these years your kids go from being little kids to being little people. Who they are starts to become clearer:

• a) Physical abilities (or the lack)
• b) Intellectual abilities
• c) Skills and apptitudes
• d) Relationship patterns
• e) Spiritual giftings
• f) Sin patterns, fears, cravings

Good to be like Mary with these things: “Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).

Watch out for going into cruise-control mode.

A common temptation in this season is to shift into cruise-control at ages 9 to 12 (because no diapers, no teenagers!). Don’t do that! You’re building a lot of habits you want to be in place for the teen years.

Discipline: “The Rod” of Discipline

1. In the 6-12-yr range, spanking will be a part of things at the front end and likely not at all at the back end.

2. While it’s part of your parenting, be faithful. The consequences for not doing it are significant.

• Remember Adonijah, King David’s 4^th son, born to his wife Haggith:
• His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” He was also a very handsome man, and he was born next after Absalom. (1 Kgs 1:6)
• This failure of David is connected to Adonijah’s conspiracy to seize the throne. He failed and was eventually put to death by Solomon.

3. To be faithful you’ll need to be confident.

4. Do a personal study on the Proverbs that speak to parents about “the rod.” It’s not the only tool in your toolbelt, but it’s an important one. 

5. The trend in our day is to move away from spanking.

6. In 2018 the American Academy of Pediatrics published a report called, “Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children.”[3]

• Looking at the results it’s clear that pediatricians in general do not favor corporal punishment, because it is seen as unhelpful to a child’s development. It brings “non-optimal” results.
• But the problem with the study is that it paints with far too broad a brush. No real distinctions are made between corporal punishment done by a loving, self-controlled parent for specific purposes, and homes where verbal and physical abuse are common.
• What these studies really show us is what we already know: Parents can do great harm to a child if they mistreat the child. Being harsh or abusive does damage.
• But the rod of discipline as God presents it to us in his word isn’t harsh or abusive and is a profound means of grace that helps accomplish exactly what the AAP study is aspiring for: healthy, well-adjusted children:
• Effective disciplinary strategies, appropriate to a child’s age and development, teach the child to regulate his or her own behavior; keep him or her from harm; enhance his or her cognitive, socioemotional, and executive functioning skills; and reinforce the behavioral patterns taught by the child’s parents and caregivers.[4]
• Note: One thing about the AAP is that not all pediatricians will support this organization or be part of it. This professional organization like other similar ones puts pressure on doctors to act and think a certain way, but at this point there is still freedom to stand against them.

7. “The rod” of discipline is NOT child abuse any more than all speech is verbal abuse.

• “The rod” and child abuse are no more alike than kind words and reviling speech (verbally cruel and abusive). The fact both use words doesn’t mean they’re alike at all. The rod of discipline is a tool used by loving and faithful parents. Child abuse is physical cruelty by selfish and unloving parents. The rod of discipline is exercised with restraint, patience, and a keen awareness of the child and his offense. Abuse is exercised with unrestraint, impatience, and an obliviousness about the child and his needs. The rod of discipline is intended to build up for godly purposes. Abuse is intended to tear down for selfish and evil purposes. The difference between faithful physical discipline and abuse is not just a subtle difference. The whole thing is different, not just a small part of it. The what, the how, the why, the when, the who—all these differ profoundly.

8. But faithful discipline is a gracious act that builds your child into the strong adult God is after and receives God’s blessing. “The rod” is a means of grace for parents.

9. Don’t try to be smarter than God in this. Your children need the rod of discipline to flourish:

• Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Prov 22:15)
• The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (Prov 29:15)
• In doing this, we are imitating God’s love for us:

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb 12:5–11)

Discipline after the rod is no longer used

1. After the rod is no longer in use you’ll likely use a combination of verbal rebukes and appropriate consequences.
2. A verbal rebuke means telling the child their behavior is inappropriate, explaining why, and pointing them toward the right behavior.
3. How you speak to your child in these times is critical. Angry rants are no more appropriate for you than they are for your child. It is not wrong to be forceful, but even with appropriate force self-control is vital.
4. Remember Paul’s words: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4); Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Col 3:21).
5. Consequences are generally tailor-fit to your child and the situation and the seriousness of the situation.
6. A one-time occurrence of a behavior unusual for a child is treated differently than a hurtful behavior that is becoming habitual for that child.
7. Consequences escalate if the behavior is unchanging. No screen-time today is one level, but it could escalate to no screen-time for a month depending on the offense.

Instruction: Reading the Bible

1. The most important book in your home is the Bible (even if you never read it it's the most important one!). A central part of our instruction is communicating the Bible to our children in ways that will be helpful.

2. Read the Bible to your children: The best way is the way you’ll actually do it. It’s easy to get over-ambitious and idealistic with this. Find an approach that is worthwhile but also achievable for you and your family and schedule.

3. Have your children read the Bible: Start them with the habit even before they can read. Have them look at a Bible picture book for 15 minutes with an audio Bible in the background, that kind of thing. It can be very helpful down the road if they never remember not having “Bible time” (our phrase for time spent reading the Bible, praying, reading a Christian book).

4. Be sure to give them Bibles and Bible assignments that match their development.

• I know, you LOVE the book of Hebrews. It’s awesome!!! But don’t assign this to your 6-year old.
• If they’re 6 and can read well, have them read the book of Mark. Or Jonah. Or Ruth.
• And I know, you LOVE your ESV. It’s awesome!!! But stick with children’s Bibles for a good while till they’re really solid with reading.
• Hold off on having them read the whole Bible until it really makes sense. They’re better off reading repeatedly what they do understand than the hundreds of chapters in the Bible they won’t.

5. Basically: Our hearts aren’t affected by what our minds don’t understand. That’s not an absolute law but a good guide for how to think of assigning reading to your children—and yourself! Life is long. They don’t have to read ALL the Christian classics before they graduate from high school.

6. The temptation so often is to “give them the chance to read things I never did at their age.” Parenting is filled with this temptation. Bring them along according to their age and development. If you’re patient you’ll probably find you get to the works you wanted them to read by the time they leave your house.

7. Consider: Seeking God Daily – available at Amazon (search on title with Daniel Baker) and The Journal, a companion to Seeking God Daily. It is built on reading plans that map on to their level of development.

Instruction: Preach the Gospel Throughout their Entire Childhood.

1. Don’t think of the gospel as something you teach them when they’re young “to get them saved.”
2. The gospel is the good news of salvation in Jesus Christ for sinners who deserve God’s judgment.
3. That’s good news we need hear throughout our Christian lives, not just at the front end.
4. When they’re young during times of spanking, have a gospel formula you use and adapt as needed. “Jesus, please forgive me for my selfishness. Help me to love others.”
5. When they’re young, memorize gospel verses like John 3:16 (they’ll be able to memorize things they can’t read).
6. When they’re of an age where their gospel understanding is more clear, consider working with them to get baptized—our book, Believe and Be Baptized.
7. Some wait till the child asks to be baptized.
8. We didn’t operate that way. When it seemed they were Christians, we worked with them to get baptized. Most were 8 or 9. One child waited till he was 10.
9. Books like Greg Gilbert’s What is the Gospel or Jerry Bridges Discipline of Grace make good family read-alouds once you get a pre-teen. I would say “good” read-alouds, not great, only because the age-level of these books likely won’t hit all your kids at the same time. Still there’s value here.
10. Read and re-read and re-read the four gospels. Read and re-read Genesis 1–12, Exodus 1–24, Ruth, Jonah, David and Goliath, Acts. Get good at skimming through an OT book of the Bible and picking the highlights to read to the family.
11. Read the Christmas passages in the Bible at Christmas, the Easter passages at Easter.
12. Connect stories you read in the Bible to gospel truths—what happens to sinners who reject God (Saul), to men and women of faith who are faithful (Ruth), to the faithful when they sin and then repent (David), etc.
13. When you hear a Christian conversion story at church, talk about it.
14. When someone gets baptized at church, talk about it.
15. When we take the Lord’s Supper at church, talk about it.

Instruction: Your Child’s Conversion.

1. A delicate matter.
2. The challenge is to communicate the gospel accurately, which is the promise of eternal life from God we receive by a personal and true faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
3. Where it gets hard is when we take this relatively simple truth and add to it. E.g., we might want to see “evidence” of this personal and true faith before we give our children positive encouragement they’re Christians.
4. This isn’t a bad desire. But if we do this poorly we can quickly and easily communicate that faith isn’t enough. Without meaning to, you might communicate that you have to be good enough to be saved. Doing that, we’ve preached a false gospel.
5. No parent intends this. Instead, the desire is to make sure our child truly understands the gospel and gets that obedience is required. This is a good desire. Just be careful that you don’t drift into presenting a false gospel.
6. Of course, another false gospel is that obedience isn’t required and dead faith is sufficient. We don’t want that either.
7. In handling our child’s conversion there’s risk of false conversions (baptizing someone who isn’t a Christian) and also of preaching a false gospel (wanting to “make sure” they’re Christians we end up preaching you have to be good enough to be saved.
8. Remember, too, that natural development is not the same as spiritual sanctification. A 9-yr old boy who’s a Christian is still a 9-yr old boy. He’s still going to break windows and make heroic messes. The mess is likely because he’s 9, not necessarily because he’s unsaved.
9. A 12-yr old girl who gets saved is still 12. She’s going to talk back to her mom and have a bad attitude about chores sometimes. She might be grumbling because she’s 12, not because she’s unsaved.
10. This doesn’t mean the fruit of obedience is irrelevant. You just have to be careful about going too far looking for it as proof of salvation.
11. Ages 6 to 12 is ideal for baptism. Your child is old enough to articulate a true faith but not into all the teenage fear-of-man issues that can make a public baptism tricky.

Don’t Forget About Being Filled with the Spirit

• Instruction and parental discipline is like the kindling, bull, and water that Elijah assembled on Mt. Moriah. It was the fire from above that turned this into a radical divine event.
• Your child being filled with the Holy Spirit could be one of the catalysts that radically changes their spiritual trajectory.
• No, you can’t make it happen. But you can pray for it—and talk about it as it comes up in church life.
• I think sometimes with children who grow up in church we confuse their being filled with the Spirit and their conversion. It’s possible that the new zeal for Christ and sense of assurance they feel is because they just got filled with the Spirit—not because they just got saved. Again, just something to keep in the back of your mind.

Instruction: Friendships

1. Like so many things, 6 to 12 is an important time to learn life skills.
2. One of these life skills is being a good friend.
3. True you don’t need endless time with peers as a child.
4. But it’s also true that it takes skill to be a good friend and to keep good friends.
5. How to talk to friends rightly.
6. How to not be unforgiving.
7. How to be hard to offend.
8. How to not burn bridges.
9. Take the long view: Awkward kids now are spouses or best men/maids of honor later.

Rules

1. Rules: When they’re young the basic rule is, “There’s only one rule. You have to do whatever I say.”
2. Being kind to siblings was another rule for us.
3. But creating a household of rules doesn’t seem helpful. It can be very hard to keep up with (and all the consequences), and may not produce the fruit you intend.

Rhythms

1. Rhythms: Daily and weekly rhythms can be really helpful. If your children are in public or private school, daily rhythms are essential. If they’re homeschooled, they’re still extremely helpful. These are building blocks that will serve as a foundation for the teen (and adult) years.
2. Daily Rhythms: Getting ready, Bible time, play time, work/school, family meals, clean your room.
3. Weekly Rhythms: Church, dad cooks breakfast weekly, family outing, mom and dad go on a date.

Talking to your children

1. Some formal: Times of discipline, specific instruction in the gospel or Bible, teaching a specific task (guitar, changing a tire).
2. Vast majority will be informal: As you’re driving, as big events happen in their lives (and your life), hundreds of friend events, striking out in baseball—or hitting a triple, school, church, relatives, why you took a new job, etc...
3. Be careful about introducing adult topics in these years. Sometimes in our desire to make it natural to address topics later we start speaking of them in these years. This is a matter of wisdom.
4. Related to the above, there is an appropriate sheltering we do for our kids in these years.

Kid’s activities

1. Kinds: Sports, Music, Dance, Speech and Debate, Part-time jobs, etc.
2. Activities are discipleship vehicles
3. These are real-life moments, so don’t minimize what’s happening. Sports, musical performances, teammates and coaches, working toward big goals.
4. Money and time are limited, so you have to make choices. 
5. Sometimes the way to evaluate a kid’s acitivity is not what it means for them today but what it will mean when the child is a teenager. E.g., we eventually felt like competitive sports were important for our boys. Not just rec, but something more competitive. But to set them up for that required getting on it earlier than 14 (when we really wanted it to be there).

This is the time to think about post-high school life.

Why? Because setting them up for post-high school means setting them up for high school, which means setting them up for middle school, etc.

Smartphones and pre-teens are a bad combination.

1. Our basic policy is, get it with your driver’s license.
2. We realize some family situations require one earlier. Know that there are ways to lockdown smartphones, especially iPhones, so they can only text and call or text, call, and a few apps. But you have to go through the effort and walk your kids through that process.
3. I don’t think young teens and preteens are able to handle the temptations connected with social media, not to mention the darker aspects of smartphones like easy access to pornography and suggestive material.
4. Media is maddening and constant for modern parents. It is tempting to either have no restrictions at all or a total lockdown till their 18. Neither approach felt right to us.
5. Remember the blessing of boredom.
   1. Tempting to think it’s a parent’s job to create fun. Teach them the discipline of being alone and creating their own activities. Books can look bleak when compared to an iPad. But if it’s a book vs. nothing at all, some kids actually go for the book.
6. Again wisdom, especially since each child is unique in their temptations with smartphones. Don’t assume your child is just like you—but don’t assume their not, either!

Conclusion

Again, a common temptation in this season is to shift into cruise-control at ages 9 to 12 (because no diapers, no teenagers!). Don’t do that! You’re building a lot of habits you want to be in place for the teen years.

For the “Don’t have a clue” and “this is impossible” parent.

• Spend time with your child.
• Love them.
• Love Jesus yourself and talk about him with your child.

Pick 1-2 Things to Work On as a Parent, Not 10

If you find yourself thinking you need to change everything and you’re completely discouraged…it’s likely wounded pride more than the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Instead, pick 1-2 things above to work on them and then pick 1-2 more when you feel it’s time.

And to Say it Again, Love Your Children, Really Love Them!

As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. (Ps 103:13)

Sometimes you need to step back and remind yourself you really love them. You really do.

“Grace Be With You"

Paul ended all thirteen of his letters with a pray for grace for his readers. No matter how mature or immature they were, how many or how few issues they had presently, he knew that what they needed more than anything was grace from God. In our parenting, we do, too!

Resources

Resources for You

• Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
• Equipping for Life: A Guide for New, Aspiring & Struggling Parents by Andreas and Margaret Köstenberger
• Parenting Essentials: Equipping Your Children for Life by Andreas and Margaret Köstenberger
• Parenting by Paul Tripp
• Between Us Guys: Life-Changing Conversations for Dads and Sons by Joel Fitzpatrick
• Between Us Girls: Walks and Talks for Moms and Daughters by Trish Donahue
• The Manhood Journey by Kent Evans
• Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp
• What is a Family? By Edith Schaeffer
• The Shaping of a Christian Family by Elisabeth Elliott
• The Masculine Mandate by Rick Phillips
• The Trinity Hymnal (classic hymns, creeds, confessions)
• The Disciple-Making Parent: A Comprehensive Guidebook for Raising Your Children to Love and Follow Jesus Christ by Chap Bettis
• Theology texts as a resource to study various topics: Systematic Theology of Wayne Grudem or Louis Berkhof. Berkhof’s is available for free online. He’s an excellent Presbyterian theologian. Grudem is a Reformed Baptist Continuationist.
• Seeking Him Daily by Daniel Baker (https://www.amazon.com/Seeking-God-Daily-Devotional-Guide/dp/1463578830?ref_=ast_author_dp)
• Believe and Be Baptized by Daniel Baker (https://www.amazon.com/Believe-Be-Baptized-Baptism-Considering/dp/1456587846?ref_=ast_author_dp)

Resources for Your Child

• Thoughts for Young Men by J.C. Ryle
• Habits of Grace by David Matthis
• The Lord’s Prayer by Kevin DeYoung
• The Children’s Catechism (https://reformed.org/historic-confessions/the-childrens-catechism/)
• Topical Memory System by Navigators (good life verses to memorize)
• Big Truths for Little Kids: Teaching Your Children to Live for God, Susan and Richie Hunt
• Disciplines of a Godly Young Man, Kent Hughes & Cary Hughes
• Biographies: The Hiding Place (Corrie ten Boom), A Chance to Die (Amy Carmichael), For the Glory (Eric Liddell)
• The Fruitful Life (Fruit of the Spirit) by Jerry Bridges (Bridges in general an excellent author for teens)
• Essential Truths of the Christian Faith by R.C. Sproul
• Christian Beliefs: Twenty Basics Every Christian Should Know by Wayne Grudem (see also his Bible Doctrine and longer Systematic Theology)
• The Lord of the Rings (Tolkien)
• The Chronicles of Narnia (CS Lewis)
• Morning and Evening, Charles Spurgeon
• Growing in Godliness: A Teen Girl's Guide to Maturing in Christ, Lindsey Carlson
• Discipline of Grace, Jerry Bridges

[1] Andreas and Marny Köstenberger, Parenting Essentials: Equipping Your Children for Life (Christian Focus, 2020), 18.

[2] Douglas Moo, Colossians, PNTC, 307.

[3] See https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/6/e20183112/37452/Effective-Discipline-to-Raise-Healthy-Children.

[4] “Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children” (aap.org).