Discipling Your Children
Eph 6:4 – Men’s Meeting – Daniel J. Baker – Jan 29, 2025

Introduction

A man once wrote:

It cannot be said that the subject is a new one. The world is old, and we have the experience of nearly six thousand years to help us. We live in days when there is a mighty zeal for education in every quarter. We hear of new schools rising on all sides. We are told of new systems, and new books for the young, of every sort and description. And still for all this, the vast majority of children are manifestly not trained in the way they should go, for when they grow up to man's estate, they do not walk with God.

That sounds very modern, doesn’t it? It was actually written over 160 years ago by an English pastor and scholar, J.C. Ryle.[1]

Ryle wrote something else that provides an excellent foundation for us tonight:

Beware of that miserable delusion into which some have fallen—that parents can do nothing for their children, that you must leave them alone, wait for grace, and sit still. These persons have wishes for their children in Balaam’s fashion—they would like them to die the death of the righteous man, but they do nothing to make them live his life. They desire much, and have nothing. And the devil rejoices to see such reasoning, just as he always does over anything which seems to excuse indolence, or to encourage neglect of means.
I know that you cannot convert your child. I know well that they who are born again are born, not of the will of man, but of God. But I know also that God says expressly, “Train up a child in the way he should go,” and that He never laid a command on man which He would not give man grace to perform. And I know, too, that our duty is not to stand still and dispute, but to go forward and obey. It is just in the going forward that God will meet us. The path of obedience is the way in which He gives the blessing. We have only to do as the servants were commanded at the marriage feast in Cana, to fill the water-pots with water, and we may safely leave it to the Lord to turn that water into wine.
J.C. Ryle, The Duties of Parents

J.C. Ryle gives us an important perspective. God must be in the work!

But once you have the conviction that’s important and that you need to do the work, the reality is that it’s very, very hard.

I’m reminded of this job posting

MEN WANTED for hazardous journey, small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful, honor and recognition in case of success. Ernest Shackleton 4 Burlington St.

This was the supposed job description the Englishman Ernest Shackleton. The era of racing to the South Pole. When it was reached, then the challenge was to journey across the whole of Antarctica. Shackleton recruited for the Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition of 1914–1917.

One of the most famous job descriptions in history. True or not, it’s an accurate description of the job itself. The boat crashed and sank. Caught in ice 100 miles from the South Pole, after 12,000 miles of travel. Many from the crew would be saved through a heroic effort. Story became a powerful story of leadership and survival.

Something about that is like fathering.

Our anchor text:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

But tonight it’s good to remember the context of this text. It doesn’t come until chapter 6 of Ephesians. It’s built on Ephesians 1–5. Chapters 1–3 cover our eternal calling to Christ and the way Christ “made us alive” when we were dead in sins.

And then comes chapter 4–6, which is all built on Eph. 4:1, “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.”

What this tells us is that to bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord—to “disciple your children”—you must first be a disciple.

Here’s what we’ll look at tonight: To disciple your children, you must first be a disciple and then work to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Prayer. Why? Because without God we’re shipwrecked in a frozen sea with no hope of success!

I. Be a Disciple

Since my assignment was discipling your children, I don’t want to spend too much time here. And yet, the connection between being a disciple and discipling is really important.

Your example speaks as loudly as your words.

• How can you convince your child that God is important if your life is one loud sermon that says God is irrelevant?
• How can you convince your child that the Bible is important if you never make time for it?

Our example—our life—is important, because you are calling them to a relationship with Christ and a life of following him, not simply a specific task or information for a test.

• You can check a box if it’s a life skill (merits for Rangers) or information for a test (the ACT).
• But if it’s a relationship and a life, that encompasses everything you think, say, and do.
• That’s what it means to follow Christ.
• To call THEM to such a life, you need to MODEL for them such a life.

Philippians 4:9:

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Phil 4:9)

Fathering is like spiritual fathering. Paul is speaking of spiritual fathering. But what he says is happens in natural fathering.

This is all said knowing we’re sinners who fall short every day.

• Part of our modeling is modeling the humility of someone who is IN PROCESS.
• We model for them what it looks like to FALL DOWN AND GET BACK UP.
• We demonstrate that the gospel is FOR CHRISTIANS—and not just NON-CHRISTIANS!
• We model GROWTH, not PERFECTION!

Part of what we are to BE as a disciple is BEING one who loves our children.

• Nothing is commanded by God more often and more highly than that we love others. And a parent has a special role in loving their children (Ps 103:13; Prov 3:11–12).
• Children thrive in an environment of affection and encouragement. Without this, they struggle.
• God is faithful and gracious and can fill gaps left in us by others, but typically the consequences are real and remain.

So, that’s our first point: Be a disciple.

II. Bring Them Up in the Discipline of the Lord

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

“Discipline and instruction” are closely related and meant to be practiced together.

• “Discipline” (paideia): BDAG: “Formational instruction attained by discipline, correction.” This Training and discipline as a parent is meant to help the child conform to a standard. It’s “discipline and instruction of the Lord,” so it’s God who in his Word lays out for us what that standard is.
• “Instruction” (vouthesia):

The second word (nouthesia), whether translated ‘instruction’ or ‘warning’, seems to refer primarily to verbal education, while the first word (paideia) means training by discipline, even by punishment.
John Stott, The Message of Ephesians[2]

Remember, “instruction” is not just for fathers. It’s also a mother’s responsibility:

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, 9 for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. (Prov 1:8–9)

In our parenting as Complementarians, we want to model what the Bible teaches. A father and mother teaching the same thing is a very powerful combination in a home.

For these two points, “discipline” and “instruction,” there are two sides. On one side, we’re calling them TOWARD something. On the other, we’re calling them AWAY from something.

Sports and music require discipline. Practice. Training. Technique. Technique is really about STOPPING what’s wrong and DOING what’s right.

In our discipleship, we’re moving them TOWARD the good and AWAY from the bad.

What are we calling our children TO?

• Fruitful Christian adulthood.
• We’re not raising children, we’re raising adults.
• We’re raising them to become fruitful Christian adults.
• More specifically...

The goal: We’re discipling our sons to be fruitful Christian men and our daughters to be fruitful Christian women.

What are we calling them AWAY FROM: Being unfruitful, non-Christian, juveniles.

Fruitful Christian Men and Women are

• Rightly related to Christ
• Rightly related to Family
• Rightly related to the Church
• Rightly related to Society

One of the challenges to “bring them up” fruitfully toward this goal is the way a child goes through so many changes from birth until they leave the home.

As they go through these changes, you’re aware of (1) where we’re headed and in light of that (2) where they are and (3) where they should be.

We’re constantly assessing (1) where they are and (2) where they should be.

In this assessment, we’re thinking about our child as he/she is made by God:

• A person created with a body and soul that could be healthy or sick.

Note: Please don’t give in to the idea that your child is only a “psychological” thing, filtering all their behaviors and responses through the lens of a diagnosis of some kind or other. Treating them only according to the recommendations of pediatricians or child psychologists. Some amount is just wise parenting. Too much of this is worldly thinking.

• A person created with certain aptitudes and weaknesses. It’s possible they score low in math, because they’re not good in math—not because they’re lazy. But it’s also possible they score low in math because they don’t work very hard, not because they’re bad at it.
• A person created with a personality that’s God-given. You’re really task-driven, project-focused. You write a checklist and do it. You think, “That’s what men do.” But your son is a people person. He relates. He talks to work things out. People are drawn to him in natural ways. He’s likely headed for a career in sales or communication in some way, not programming.

In this assessment, we’re thinking about our child and his/her relationship with Christ:

• Is he converted?
• What is her understanding of spiritual truths and the Bible?
• What kind of books is he ready for?

Note: It’s good to challenge our kids with something that’s a little challenging. But you have to be careful that you’re not over-reaching. Life is long! There are decades coming! If they don’t read Leviticus and Numbers till their 16, it’s really okay.

III. Bring Them Up in the Instruction of the Lord

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

Of course, we know what this means: “Bring them up through long lectures given in untimely moments”!

There is a place to talk TO your children, but most of the time we’re talking WITH our children. Conversation will be the dominant mode in our homes. Of course, some of those conversations can be a bit one-sided at times.

Hint: You can speak longer if you tell stories to make your point!

WHAT we are teaching will change over time. This is true with spiritual content:

• Beginning: The Gospel
• Next steps: The Bible (Bible stories, the God of the Bible, what he says to us)
• Next steps: Theological Convictions – Your theological convictions, the church’s convictions

But to be fruitful Christian men and women has other aspects of instruction as well:

• Helping your child figure out who they are: strengths and weaknesses, relationship patterns, subjects in school they’re good at or weak in, job possibilities that make sense with how God made them.
• Opposite-sex relationships: the progression from friendships to some dates to dating (for marriage) to engagement/marriage.
• Same-sex friendships: being a good friend, choosing good friends, being thick-skinned and hard to offend and faithful over the long haul
• Career skills: Women to be able to provide for themselves, men to be able to provide for a family
• Overall non-biblical knowledge (i.e., other than the Bible): history, geography, politics, current events, literature, math, science, etc.
• Other life skills: car repair, carpentry, computer programming

The WAY we instruct changes as they grow – a move from telling to conversation:

• Early years (0-7) – lots of memory, regurgitation, pictures on a whiteboard, great years to begin memorizing a catechism.
• Middle years (8–12) – lots of directed Bible time, great time for family worship and discussion. Don’t miss these years! These are powerful years for helping your child understand and own their faith. It’s easy to go into auto-pilot, since no diapers and not yet teens.
• Teen years (13–18) – schedules get very unpredictable so family reading can be difficult. Less of us telling them what to read and more of discussing with them what would be a good plan. Lots of situational conversation—talking through conflicts, friend situations, their future plans, sports moments (failure, success, coaches, etc.). BUT still: Don’t lose your confidence as a parent in these years! They need your wisdom profoundly.
• Early adult (18–25) – a lot of major life decisions in these years, so a lot of conversation and discerning the Lord’s will for them.

Our instruction and our own growth as disciples should intersect:

• Talk about what you’re learning
• Where you’re falling short
• What is your Bible plan and why? Explain it.
• The book you’re reading and what you’re getting out of it.
• The podcast you’re listening to and why.
• What you experienced at church
• The discussion in home group
• Don’t expect too much, but don’t miss what God can do in these small, steady impressions.
• These moments aren’t dynamite but a steady stream of water. Both can carve into the ground in major ways, but the steady stream does it in small ways over the span of years.

IV. Technology

With computers and phones, be faithful with Covenant Eyes or something similar. Not perfect but very helpful.

Delay smartphones as long as humanly possible. When they get a driver’s license?

Minimize the use of social media as long as humanly possible.

Technology will take them about 45 seconds to learn once it’s a part of their lives, so don’t worry about them falling behind.

The problem is twofold. First, the content – sexually explicit, the way social media normalizes unbiblical thinking (transgenderism, etc.).

Second, the medium. For example, social media is so corrosive because it is set up to be one giant self-image annihilation for a young and impressionable teenager. It counts your friends, counts your likes, shows other people obviously happier and better looking and having more fun than you. It allows for a way of speaking you would never do face-to-face. On this see Samuel James’ book, Digital Liturgies: Rediscovering Christian Wisdom in an Online Age (2023). 

Be careful about making endless streaming or video games a normal activity. The best time to manage this is before they’re 14 or 15. After that, way harder.

Conclusion

Remember the example of Paul’s letters. In each one, he begins with a word of grace:

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. (Eph 1:2)

And he ends with a word of grace:

Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible. (Eph 6:24)

That’s true as we disciple our children, too. We need grace at the beginning, grace at the end, and grace everywhere in between.

Questions to consider:

1. The Bible calls us to WORK HARD as parents, but it also calls us to TRUST GOD, since God is the one who changes hearts. How are you doing with this balance?
2. To disciple effectively, we must model what it is to be a growing disciple. How are you doing with this? Where do you need to change for the sake of your parenting?
3. I said the aim of our parenting was for our children to be a “fruitful Christian man” or a “fruitful Christian woman.” What comes to mind with those phrases?
4. Parenting effectively requires that we assess where our children are. Do you have a good sense of where each of your children is in their growth toward fruitful Christian adulthood?
5. God calls us to love our children. How are you doing with your affection toward and encouragement of your children?
6. How do you feel about the place of technology in your home? 

[1] J.C. Ryle, The Duties of Parents (Pensacola, FL: Chapel Library, 2000).

[2] John Stott, The Message of Ephesians, BST (IVP), 248.