Discipling Your Children
Eph 6:4 – Men’s Meeting – Daniel J. Baker – Jan 29, 2025

Introduction
A man once wrote:
It cannot be said that the subject is a new one. The world is old, and we
have the experience of nearly six thousand years to help us. We live in
days when there is a mighty zeal for education in every quarter. We hear of
new schools rising on all sides. We are told of new systems, and new
books for the young, of every sort and description. And still for all this, the
vast majority of children are manifestly not trained in the way they should
go, for when they grow up to man's estate, they do not walk with God.
That sounds very modern, doesn’t it? It was actually written over 160 years ago
by an English pastor and scholar, J.C. Ryle. 1
Beware of that miserable delusion into which some have fallen—that
parents can do nothing for their children, that you must leave them alone,
wait for grace, and sit still. These persons have wishes for their children in
Balaam’s fashion—they would like them to die the death of the righteous
man, but they do nothing to make them live his life. They desire much, and
have nothing. And the devil rejoices to see such reasoning, just as he
always does over anything which seems to excuse indolence, or to
encourage neglect of means.
I know that you cannot convert your child. I know well that they who are
born again are born, not of the will of man, but of God. But I know also that
God says expressly, “Train up a child in the way he should go,” and that He
never laid a command on man which He would not give man grace to
perform. And I know, too, that our duty is not to stand still and dispute, but
to go forward and obey. It is just in the going forward that God will meet us.
The path of obedience is the way in which He gives the blessing. We have
only to do as the servants were commanded at the marriage feast in Cana,
to fill the water-pots with water, and we may safely leave it to the Lord to
turn that water into wine.

1 J.C. Ryle, The Duties of Parents (Pensacola, FL: Chapel Library, 2000).

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J.C. Ryle, The Duties of Parents
J.C. Ryle gives us an important perspective. God must be in the work!
But once you have the conviction that’s important and that you need to do the
work, the reality is that it’s very, very hard.
I’m reminded of this job posting
MEN WANTED for hazardous journey, small wages, bitter cold, long
months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful, honor
and recognition in case of success. Ernest Shackleton 4 Burlington St.
This was the supposed job description the Englishman Ernest Shackleton. The
era of racing to the South Pole. When it was reached, then the challenge was to
journey across the whole of Antarctica. Shackleton recruited for the Imperial
Trans-Antarctic Expedition of 1914–1917.
One of the most famous job descriptions in history. True or not, it’s an accurate
description of the job itself. The boat crashed and sank. Caught in ice 100 miles
from the South Pole, after 12,000 miles of travel. Many from the crew would be
saved through a heroic effort. Story became a powerful story of leadership and
survival.
Something about that is like fathering.
Our anchor text:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)
But tonight it’s good to remember the context of this text. It doesn’t come until
chapter 6 of Ephesians. It’s built on Ephesians 1–5. Chapters 1–3 cover our
eternal calling to Christ and the way Christ “made us alive” when we were dead
in sins.

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And then comes chapter 4–6, which is all built on Eph. 4:1, “I therefore, a
prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which
you have been called.”
What this tells us is that to bring up your children in the discipline and instruction
of the Lord—to “disciple your children”—you must first be a disciple.
Here’s what we’ll look at tonight: To disciple your children, you must first be a
disciple and then work to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the
Lord.
Prayer. Why? Because without God we’re shipwrecked in a frozen sea with no
hope of success!

I. Be a Disciple
Since my assignment was discipling your children, I don’t want to spend too
much time here. And yet, the connection between being a disciple and discipling
is really important.
Your example speaks as loudly as your words.
 How can you convince your child that God is important if your life is one
loud sermon that says God is irrelevant?
 How can you convince your child that the Bible is important if you never
make time for it?
You are calling them to a relationship and a life, not to a life skill and information
for a test.
 You can check a box if it’s a life skill (merits for Rangers) or information for
a test (the ACT).
 But if it’s a relationship and a life, that encompasses everything you think,
say, and do.
 That’s what it means to follow Christ.
 To call THEM to such a life, you need to MODEL for them such a life.
Philippians 4:9:

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What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice
these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Phil 4:9)
Fathering is like spiritual fathering. Paul is speaking of spiritual fathering. But
what he says is happens in natural fathering.
This is all said knowing we’re sinners who fall short every day.
 Part of our modeling is modeling the humility of someone who is IN
PROCESS.
 We model for them what it looks like to FALL DOWN AND GET BACK UP.
 We demonstrate that the gospel is FOR CHRISTIANS—and not just NON-
CHRISTIANS!
 We model GROWTH, not PERFECTION!
Another aspect of parenting we can place here is to LOVE YOUR CHILDREN.
 Nothing is commanded by God more often and more highly than that we
love others. And a parent has a special role in loving their children (Ps
103:13; Prov 3:11–12).
 Children thrive in an environment of affection and encouragement. Without
this, they struggle.
 God is faithful and gracious and can fill gaps left in us by others, but
typically the consequences are real and remain.
So, that’s our first point: Be a disciple.

II. Bring Them Up in the Discipline of the Lord
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)
“Discipline and instruction” are closely related and meant to be practiced
together.
 “Discipline” (paideia): BDAG: “Formational instruction attained by
discipline, correction.” This Training and discipline as a parent is meant to
help the child conform to a standard. It’s “discipline and instruction of the
Lord,” so it’s God who in his Word lays out for us what that standard is.

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 “Instruction” (vouthesia):
The second word (nouthesia), whether translated ‘instruction’ or ‘warning’,
seems to refer primarily to verbal education, while the first word (paideia)
means training by discipline, even by punishment.
John Stott, The Message of Ephesians 2
Remember, “instruction” is not just for fathers. It’s also a mother’s responsibility:
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s
teaching, 9 for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for
your neck. (Prov 1:8–9)
In our parenting as Complementarians, we want to model what the Bible teaches.
A father and mother teaching the same thing is a very powerful combination in a
home.
For these two points, “discipline” and “instruction,” there are two sides. On one
side, we’re calling them TOWARD something. On the other, we’re calling them
AWAY from something.
Sports and music require discipline. Practice. Training. Technique. Technique is
really about STOPPING what’s wrong and DOING what’s right.
In our discipleship, we’re moving them TOWARD the good and AWAY from the
bad.
What are we calling our children TO?
 Fruitful Christian adulthood.
 We’re not raising children, we’re raising adults.
 We’re raising them to become fruitful Christian adults.
 More specifically...
The goal: We’re discipling our sons to be fruitful Christian men and our
daughters to be fruitful Christian women.

2 John Stott, The Message of Ephesians, BST (IVP), 248.

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What are we calling them AWAY FROM: Being unfruitful, non-Christian, juveniles.
Fruitful Christian Men and Women are
 Rightly related to Christ
 Rightly related to Family
 Rightly related to the Church
 Rightly related to Society
One of the challenges to “bring them up” fruitfully toward this goal is the way a
child goes through so many changes from birth until they leave the home.
As they go through these changes, you’re aware of (1) where we’re headed and
in light of that (2) where they are and (3) where they should be.
We’re constantly assessing (1) where they are and (2) where they should be.
In this assessment, we’re thinking about our child as he/she is made by God:
 A person created with a body and soul that could be healthy or sick.
Note: Please don’t give in to the idea that your child is only a
“psychological” thing, filtering all their behaviors and responses through the
lens of a diagnosis of some kind or other. Treating them only according to
the recommendations of pediatricians or child psychologists. Some amount
is just wise parenting. Too much of this is worldly thinking.
 A person created with certain aptitudes and weaknesses. It’s possible
they score low in math, because they’re not good in math—not because
they’re lazy. But it’s also possible they score low in math because they
don’t work very hard, not because they’re bad at it.
 A person created with a personality that’s God-given. You’re really
task-driven, project-focused. You write a checklist and do it. You think,
“That’s what men do.” But your son is a people person. He relates. He
talks to work things out. People are drawn to him in natural ways. He’s
likely headed for a career in sales or communication in some way, not
programming.
In this assessment, we’re thinking about our child and his/her relationship with
Christ:

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 Is he converted?
 What is her understanding of spiritual truths and the Bible?
 What kind of books is he ready for?
Note: It’s good to challenge our kids with something that’s a little
challenging. But you have to be careful that you’re not over-reaching. Life
is long! There are decades coming! If they don’t read Leviticus and
Numbers till their 16, it’s really okay.
III. Bring Them Up in the Instruction of the Lord
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)
Of course, we know what this means: “Bring them up through long lectures given
in untimely moments”!
There is a place to talk TO your children, but most of the time we’re talking WITH
our children. Conversation will be the dominant mode in our homes. Of course,
some of those conversations can be a bit one-sided at times.
Hint: You can speak longer if you tell stories to make your point!
WHAT we are teaching will change over time. This is true with spiritual content:
 Beginning: The Gospel
 Next steps: The Bible (Bible stories, the God of the Bible, what he says to
us)
 Next steps: Theological Convictions – Your theological convictions, the
church’s convictions
But to be fruitful Christian men and women has other aspects of instruction as
well:
 Helping your child figure out who they are: strengths and weaknesses,
relationship patterns, subjects in school they’re good at or weak in, job
possibilities that make sense with how God made them.
 Opposite-sex relationships: the progression from friendships to some dates
to dating (for marriage) to engagement/marriage.

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 Same-sex friendships: being a good friend, choosing good friends, being
thick-skinned and hard to offend and faithful over the long haul
 Career skills: Women to be able to provide for themselves, men to be able
to provide for a family
 Overall non-biblical knowledge (i.e., other than the Bible): history,
geography, politics, current events, literature, math, science, etc.
 Other life skills: car repair, carpentry, computer programming
The WAY we instruct changes as they grow – a move from telling to
conversation:
 Early years (0-7) – lots of memory, regurgitation, pictures on a whiteboard,
great years to begin memorizing a catechism.
 Middle years (8–12) – lots of directed Bible time, great time for family
worship and discussion. Don’t miss these years! These are powerful years
for helping your child understand and own their faith. It’s easy to go into
auto-pilot, since no diapers and not yet teens.
 Teen years (13–18) – schedules get very unpredictable so family reading
can be difficult. Less of us telling them what to read and more of discussing
with them what would be a good plan. Lots of situational
conversation—talking through conflicts, friend situations, their future plans,
sports moments (failure, success, coaches, etc.). BUT still: Don’t lose your
confidence as a parent in these years! They need your wisdom profoundly.
 Early adult (18–25) – a lot of major life decisions in these years, so a lot of
conversation and discerning the Lord’s will for them.
Our instruction and our own growth as disciples should intersect:
 Talk about what you’re learning
 Where you’re falling short
 What is your Bible plan and why? Explain it.
 The book you’re reading and what you’re getting out of it.
 The podcast you’re listening to and why.
 What you experienced at church
 The discussion in home group
 Don’t expect too much, but don’t miss what God can do in these small,
steady impressions.
 These moments aren’t dynamite but a steady stream of water. Both can
carve into the ground in major ways, but the steady stream does it in small
ways over the span of years.

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IV. Technology
With computers and phones, be faithful with Covenant Eyes or something similar.
Not perfect but very helpful.
Delay smartphones as long as humanly possible. When they get a driver’s
license?
Minimize the use of social media as long as humanly possible.
Technology will take them about 45 seconds to learn once it’s a part of their lives,
so don’t worry about them falling behind.
The problem is twofold. First, the content – sexually explicit, the way social media
normalizes unbiblical thinking (transgenderism, etc.).
Second, the medium. For example, social media is so corrosive because it is set
up to be one giant self-image annihilation for a young and impressionable
teenager. It counts your friends, counts your likes, shows other people obviously
happier and better looking and having more fun than you. It allows for a way of
speaking you would never do face-to-face. On this see Samuel James’ book,
Digital Liturgies: Rediscovering Christian Wisdom in an Online Age (2023).
Be careful about making endless streaming or video games a normal activity. The
best time to manage this is before they’re 14 or 15. After that, way harder.

Conclusion
Remember the example of Paul’s letters. In each one, he begins with a word of
grace:
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
(Eph 1:2)
And he ends with a word of grace:

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Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible.
(Eph 6:24)
Questions to consider:
1. The Bible calls us to WORK HARD as parents, but it also calls us to
TRUST GOD, since God is the one who changes hearts. How are
you doing with this balance?
2. To disciple effectively, we must model what it is to be a growing
disciple. How are you doing with this? Where do you need to change
for the sake of your parenting?
3. I said the aim of our parenting was for our children to be a “fruitful
Christian man” or a “fruitful Christian woman.” What comes to mind
with those phrases?
4. Parenting effectively requires that we assess where our children are.
Do you have a good sense of where each of your children is in their
growth toward fruitful Christian adulthood?
5.
6. God calls us to love our children. How are you doing with your
affection toward and encouragement of your children?
7. How do you feel about the place of technology in your home?